


Keeping Quiet

by lily_zen



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, M/M, POV Alternating, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 07:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_zen/pseuds/lily_zen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The stress of keeping a relationship on the down-low is getting to Shinya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping Quiet

Keeping Quiet

 

Fandom: Jrock, Dir en grey

Pairing: KxS

Genre: Romance, Angst

Archive: Ask

 

Author: Lily Zen

 

Disclaimer: Not mine.

 

*

 

I’m sitting here, where I’m supposed to be sitting, staring at him across the room. I do that a lot these days. There are so many things I want to say to him, but none that I can say here. Quiet shuffling fills the room as people declare a cigarette break—I just shake my head wryly as Die and Toshiya walk out of the room, already palming their cigarette packs.

 

Soon the room is empty, and I leave my post, deciding at least to use my time wisely. I didn’t get much sleep last night—all his fault, I assure you—and I’m looking forward to the chance to rest my eyes, just a little bit. I move over to the couch we have in our practice space and curl up on it. My eyes close like one of those old dolls—the ones where their eyes are open when they sit up, but if you lay them down, they flutter shut.

 

When my eyes open next, he’s sitting next to me on the floor, looking up at me with the most tempting, adorable expression on his face. His smile is radiant, and it makes me want to kiss him, but I can’t. We’ve already talked about this. “Come on, Shin-chan, time to wake up and get back to work.” He stands up and places his hand on my knee, shaking gently. I rise slowly, obediently, thinking on how I wish we were back home, or at least alone, so I could tell him what I’m thinking.

 

However, Toshiya and Die are on the other side of the room, talking, and Kyo is writing something down in one of his many notebooks—probably a lyric. So I just nod and go back to my chair behind my drum set. Sitting back down is quite possibly the biggest challenge I’ve had all day—the stool, though usually comfortable, feels particularly unyielding today, and I attribute it all to him.

 

I wish I could say something about it.

 

*

 

Hours later, Shinya walks in the door of the apartment he shares, and slips out of his shoes. There’s the quiet closing of a door behind him, and then arms wrap around his waist. A tender kiss is placed on the side of his neck. “You’ve been quiet. Not a good day, eh?” he asks as though he doesn’t already know.

 

Shinya turns, still within the circle of his arms, and decides to play along. Returning the hug, he answers quietly, “No, not really. So many things I wanted to say, but none that were appropriate.” He shrugs and breaks away from the hug, walking further into the apartment. “Oh…Shin-chan…” There’s a brief, awkward pause.

 

“Kaoru…” Shinya sighs as he flops bonelessly on the couch. About to say something profound, before Kaoru cuts him off once more. “You looked beautiful on the couch today, lying there, asleep. I wanted to climb on top of you, and kiss your nose and your cheek and your lips.”

 

“So instead you just sat next to me and stared until you willed me back to consciousness?” Shinya asks, a thread of aggravation winding its way through his voice. It was the sound of a long-suffering man, so resigned to his fate, though it still continued to bother him how inescapable it was. “Well…” Kaoru begins, “Yes.”

 

Then a sudden thought occurs to him and he beams, walking into the living room and straddling Shinya across his thighs. “Here, we’ll do it now,” he says, and Shinya laughs half-heartedly. “Shh,” Kaoru commands, “You’re supposed to be asleep.” Obediently, Shinya lays quietly, his eyes closed, feigning sleep.

 

A gentle, tentative caress brushes his hair back from his face. Then lips softly touch his nose, and his cheek, with equal care. Finally they touch his lips, and Shinya melts into the kiss, responding with equal care. He feels as though his whole heart exists in the space between their mouths, and if they aren’t careful it might bruise. Kaoru’s tongue gently touches his own, and their mouths part further to allow more contact.

 

After what seems like eons, they part for breath, panting softly and staring at each other with awe and almost childish wonder in their eyes. “I love you,” Shinya says, finally, the thing he’s been dying to whisper all day. Kaoru smiles briefly and brilliantly, his eyes twinkling though he’s heard the sentiment a thousand times before. “I love you too,” he replies.

 

*

 

I sigh as I sit next to you and watch you sleep, curled up on our bed (my bed, really, but you always sleep there instead of your own, so I guess it’s ours) in nothing but a pair of purple briefs. You’re so cute when you’re asleep. Golden hair splayed out on the pillow, one hand reaching out to the space I’d recently vacated.

 

I know it kills you, to keep so silent. We’ve been together for years, and still it hasn’t stopped bothering you. I suppose in the beginning, it wasn’t so much of a problem. It was our choice to be silent about our more-than-friends-and-bandmates relationship. Nobody needed to know. But with fame came the increasing sense of preserving our dignity, our image.

 

Sometimes I see you, and all I want to do is reach out and take your hand. Squeeze your fingers just a little, to let you know I’m there and that I love you. I can’t though, because there are other people around—our bandmates, our manager, the crew, the producers. It’s hard to be alone now, to get those few precious minutes to remind you that I love you more than life itself—I know you don’t hear it nearly enough.

 

I remember the first night we hooked up. It was late, after a concert, and you were leaning on me as I escorted you back to your hotel room. _Macabre_ was selling well, still, even during the tour, and we were getting back from celebrating further. Damn, you were wasted—then again, so was I.

 

Maybe that’s the only reason it happened. We’d been flirting for months—years, even, and with the alcohol in our veins, inhibitions were low. Just as you were about to slip into your room, you paused, your hand resting on the doorjamb for support. You looked so gorgeous, your short hair framing your face, your street clothes outlining your figure. Before I knew it, you’d reached out to me and pulled me inside. Then we were kissing and touching—finally, finally after so long—and nothing could have stopped us.

 

The next morning you looked at me through strands of dyed hair, and said seven words that stopped me cold and at the same time sped up my pulse to unbelievable rates. “I think I’m in love with you.” That was the beginning, and I’ve not left your side yet, though I know sometimes you worry.

 

It’s hard to act as though you don’t care more than is appropriate. I know. And I love you more for it.

 

*

 

The next morning, Kaoru is lying on the couch, watching cartoons on television. Two cups of tea sit on the coffee table, one half drained. The other is still untouched and steaming. He’s about to call out to his lover when the bedroom door is flung open. The sound of footsteps stomping down the hall is heard, and then Shinya is in the living room, screaming.

 

“Who the fuck is Eiko?!” He stands tall and proud, fully dressed already. It’s a Saturday, and neither has any plans in sight. Shocked, Kaoru pushes up on his elbows, staring at Shinya incredulously. “What?” he asks, staring dumbfounded at the small white card in his lover’s hand. “Who is Eiko and what are you doing with her number?!!”

 

Seeing Shinya begin to truly freak out frightens Kaoru, and he’s momentarily stupefied. “Are you fucking around on me?! Are you?!” Insecurities become manifested as the drummer screams and tears begin to fall from his eyes. An anguished scream is torn from his throat, and he throws a music magazine from the coffee table violently. It hits the wall and flops onto the floor, abandoned.

 

Finally Kaoru’s brain begins to function again, and he reaches out, grabbing Shinya around the waist. “No!” he cries, shock evident in his voice. “No, Shinya, I would never…”

 

“Then who the fuck is Eiko?!” Shinya pushes at his shoulders and almost dislodges Kaoru—sometimes he forgets how strong the drummer really is. “Eiko is a designer! She said she’d be interested in working with Dir en grey, and gave me her number!” Desperate to appease his lover, Kaoru shouts, trying to get his voice above his lover’s hysterical cries. Finally, though it seems to reach Shinya’s ears, and he slumps, forgetting to fight.

 

The tears are still coming from his eyes, as he quietly murmurs, “Oh…” Wiping his eyes with one hand, Shinya tries to regain his composure, however fails. He collapses, crying, into Kaoru’s arms, mumbling apologies for doubting him. His arms still wrapped around his lover, Kaoru attempts to soothe him. “It’s just…hard,” Shinya stutters.

 

“I have to stay so quiet about…us, and…I don’t want to. Then I start thinking, what if it’s not just for the band? What…what if it’s because of me? What if you’re a-ashamed of me? Then it just gets worse…”

 

Holding his lover, Kaoru quietly whispers, “I know, Shin-chan, I know. It’s okay.” Blinking back tears from his own eyes, he tries to think of ways he could possibly make it up to his boyfriend, and fails. Nothing could possibly rectify this.

 

*

 

Watching you watching me is always exciting. It gives me ideas and makes me want to do things to you right at that very moment, but I can’t. We never really made up from our fight yet…well, really it was me attacking you. Saturday passed awkwardly, as did Sunday. Now it’s Monday—back to the grindstone.

 

Practice is hell, because I want to talk to you, but I can’t. It’s not really appropriate. Still, I can’t help it. You’re standing there, playing your slutty Ganesa, doing that sexy pose you do whenever you’re playing a solo. I just want to walk up to you and pinch your bum, or something equally naughty.

 

…I want to apologize again, this time without crying, please. That kind of ruins the effect. Then the song’s over and once again it’s time for a cigarette break. You’re all going to die of lung cancer before you hit forty, I swear. You walk outside with the guys, and I stay inside, as per the usual, reading a magazine that Toshiya left behind.

 

It’s nice just to rest my hands for a bit, after playing consecutively, for such a long time. I think maybe I’ll go exercise after practice today. I’m getting behind. Maybe I’ll go swim a few laps. Hell, maybe I can convince Kaoru into coming with me—yes, I finally managed to teach him how to swim, with a little incentive.

 

A wicked smile blooms across my face before I can help it, and a deep voice, rich with amusement, says, “What are you thinking about?” I look up and find you standing there, the very object of my thoughts at the moment. “Nothing,” I reply, “Just when I taught you to swim.”

 

With those words, an answering grin lights up your face, and he nods, saying, “That was a fun day.” Over his shoulder I notice everyone else picking their instruments back up, and I begin to stand. However, to my surprise, you hold out your hand. Cautiously, I take it, and let you help me stand.

 

You smile at me, and tug me closer until we’re practically nose-to-nose. My eyes are darting around now, looking frantically to see if anyone noticed. Their attention is still on their instruments. Then your lips land on mine, and I pull away in shock, but your lips chase mine, until finally I give in. My eyes slide shut, and a sound comes from the back of my throat as you part my lips and our tongues begin to dance together.

 

There’s the sound of applause and a whistle somewhere behind us, but it all seems secondary to this. My hand fists your hair, and I wonder briefly how and when it got there. I notice your fingers gently stroking the exposed skin at the small of my back. When we part for breath, you’re smiling, leaning your forehead against mine.

 

“I love you, Shin-chan,” you say, and another one of those wolf-whistles is heard. “I love you too,” I reply, and slowly we disentangle. I notice the other three looking at us, wide grins on their faces. “About damn time!” Toshiya cries, “I’ve been waiting to see that happen for years now!” Die laughs and ruffles my hair playfully as I walk past, heading towards my drum set. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Kaoru, I almost thought you were going to keep it a secret forever!”

 

Shaking his head, but with a smile on his face, Kyo says, “I’m glad you told us, Kaoru, but really, we already knew, guys. Hell, I knew four years ago, when you met us downstairs in that hotel, that the night before you two had gotten together.” You raise your eyebrows at them, asking silently if they’d all known this entire time. Toshiya shrugs. “It took me a little longer to figure it out.” Then he laughs. “I had to tell Die.”

 

Said redhead laughs sheepishly, and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m a little dense, so what?” I surprise myself by laughing as I sit down, and Kaoru blows me a kiss. It feels good to have someone who knows, besides the two of us. Maybe it’ll be better now. Maybe we won’t have to be so quiet about it.

 

“I love you,” I mouth to my lover of nearly four years, and you smile back. We both know there’s another meaning underneath those words: a silent, but incredibly grateful thank you.

 

-FIN-


End file.
